Tales From The Toybox

What I said

What I was thinking

What they said

What they were thinking

Thank you for call the New AT&T. Please listen to the following options. You can make your selection at any time.

AT&T Customer Service, this is Shaquayia, can I have the ten digit phone number you are calling about?

Thank you for calling Cingular, the New AT&T. Please take the next 10 minutes listening to our options. When the 10 minutes is up and you discover that none of the options I’ve mentioned come even close to addressing your real need, press 911 and you will be placed on hold again until our customer service employees return from their smoke break.

Yes, my number is 999-555-1234.

You’re a phone company for goodness sake! Can’t you people afford caller ID????

Thank you. And whom and I speaking with?

Of course we have caller ID. We already pulled up your information 10 minutes ago while you were listening to your options. Sheesh!

My name is Kim Frank.

If there is any sort of security with this company this call will be halted right now since I’m not listed on the account.

Thank you, Ms. Frank. How can I assist you today?

So she’s not on the account. Big deal. I don’t get paid enough to care.

I need to add a line to my account.

I can’t believe she didn’t verify who I am!

Of course, Ms. Frank. I can help you with that. Did you also need a phone?

She sounds too cheap to pay for a phone. I’ll bet she just wants a free one. Thank God I don’t work on commission.

Yes, I saw online that you offered the Pantec 3CB for free. I’d like that one.

I’ll bet she will say it’s an online deal only.

I’m sorry, that phone is only available online and because you have a business account, you will be unable to place any orders online.

What did I tell you! Cheap ass lady!

Call suddenly disconnects. Repeat ALL above.

Yes, I was just attempting to place an order and my call got dropped.

Please God, don’t let this call get dropped too.

I’m sorry, you’re breaking up. Can you repeat that?

Hee!hee! I love doing this! I can hear her just fine.

I said I was trying to set up an order and my call got dropped.

Are you kidding me?

Mam, you need to move to a spot that gets better reception. I can hardly hear you.

<laughing hysterically>

This is crazy. I’m in my home in the middle of city saturated with cell towers!!! Ugh! Can I give you my land line number and have you call me back? I really don’t want to go through another 20 minutes listening to options from some stupid recording.

I need a drink!

I can call you back, but I can only call you once. If you don’t answer by the third ring then I will not call back.

Like hell I’m calling you back!!

Phone never rings. I call back from land line.

Um, yes. Before I got disconnected I was told that you only offer the Pantec 3CB online but that’s the phone my son really wanted.

I bet that stupid lady had no idea what she was talking about.

Actually, I can get you that phone. It’s $27 with an instant rebate of $27 so the phone will be free.

Where’d my trainer go? I hope I’m telling her the right thing!!

Great! My son will be thrilled. We’ll take that one.

Spend the next 37 minutes listening to CSR type and say repeatedly, “OK then. Almost done.”

Well, it looks like my screen is frozen. Rather than have you wait any longer, why don’t we hang up and I’ll call you in less than an hour to confirm your order.

What the crap did I do????? Everything on my screen just disappeared. Where IS that dang trainer anyway???

Literally 3 days go by. I don’t call back because it’s the weekend and I forget so I call again on Monday.

Thank you for calling the New AT&T, this is Rashqunda, how may I help you today?

Beotch, I hope you don’t have no long-ass question cuz my baby daddy is on hold on line 2!

Um, yes. Last Friday I placed an order to add a new line to my account. The gentleman who was helping me got hung on a screen and said he would call me back within the hour and I never heard back from him. Can you please verify for me that the order was placed?

I can just feel it in my bones…this is not going to be a pleasant call.

No problem. I’ll be happy to look that up for you. Who am I’m speaking with please?

Well, at least she isn’t calling to add a new line. I ain’t got time for that!

Yes. My name is Kim Frank.

Why do they bother asking?

Thank you Ms. Frank. Can you verify the name listed on the account?

Good Lord in heaven above, she ain’t on the account!! Paleeease know the name of the company so I can get back to my old man!

Yes. It’s Manatawkee Inc.

Great. Finally someone wants to verify my information and I don’t have the tax ID number handy.

Thank you. And can you provide the last four digits of the tax ID number?

Why did I ask for that??? I bet she doesn’t know it!

I’m sorry, I don’t have that information handy.

Now I’ll have to sit on hold again for another 10 minutes and try this again!

No problem, Ms. Frank. Can you give me the account number?

No way in hell she’ll know this.

Yes, I do have that. It’s 9987738

Phew!

Ok, Ms. Frank. I have your account information pulled up and there is no record of a new line added.

So sad, so bad. Gotta go…lattah!

There’s not? There are no notes or anything? I spent over an hour on the phone with this guy who said he set the whole thing up!!!

<blood pressure rising>

No mam. Have I answered all your questions to your satisfaction.

Dang it. My baby daddy hung up. He gonna kill me for makin him wait so long.

Um, no actually, you haven’t. I need an additional line added to my plan. It really irritates me that I spent 20 minutes trying to set this up and the NEW AT&T with the fewest dropped calls dropped my call. Then I spent an hour+ setting it up again and now you’re telling me you have no record that I ever called? This is ridiculous!

She obviously couldn’t care less.

Well then, what else can I do to assist you today?

I wonder if the rhinestones on my toenails will last until the fish fry this weekend…

You can assist me by adding a new line to my existing plan!!!!

Is that a nail file I hear???!!!!

<Audible sigh> Of course, Ms. Frank. I can help you with that. Will you be needing a phone as well?

Woman, you’d better hurry up and git this done! That double bean burrito with extra nacho dippin cheese I had for lunch is makin its way OUT!

Yes, I need a phone! I had ordered the Pantec 3CB. That is the phone I want.

Don’t even say it…

I’m sorry mam. We don’t carry that phone.

I shudda supersized that mega sweet tea!

You don’t carry it? How can that be when I ordered it last Friday? I was told it would be free after an instant rebate.

Holy cow, do ANY two people within this lame corporation use the same training manual or do they all just make crap up???

Um…<sarcastically> I’m sure you THINK you ordered it, but we don’t carry that phone any longer and when we DID carry it, we never had an instant rebate. That’s a $265 phone.

Whatta liar.

This is insane. Please just give me whatever free phone you have and let’s get this over with. I’m so disgusted with you people I would cancel my service in a second if it wasn’t going to cost me $250/phone to do it.

Ugh!!! NEVER have I dealt with such incompetence!

I’m sorry, mam. We don’t offer any free phones. The cheapest phone we have will cost $9.99.

And it’s a piece of crap. It only comes with 7 of the 10 dialing numbers.

Fine. I’ll take that one. <finishes order>

Three days go by and piece of crap phone arrives. Finally thinking this ordeal is over, my husband’s boss calls to let me know he just received a Pantec 3CB on his doorstep. You know…that one they DON’T carry anymore!!! The one that was NEVER ordered and added to my account!! Low and behold it somehow appeared on my husband’s bosses doorstep AND account!!

Thank you for calling the New AT&T…

Ugh! I see from the account we pulled up while this broad was on level 10 of our friendly automated answering system that she has a business account with several family plans under it. These are way too complicated for me. I hope she doesn’t ask me any questions!

Yes, I am furious right now. Last week I attempted to order a phone and you provider of “The least dropped calls” dropped my call halfway through the ordering process. I called back and SURPRISE, she couldn’t hear me. She said she would call me RIGHT back and never did so I had to go through your crappy process all over again! <tell story of placing a order and having no record of it so I place another order and two phones show up>

I need something to throw!

OK, mam…I see hear you have a business account. Let me send you to that department. Please hold.

We’re too stupid to be able to handle business customers AND regular customers!

<Repeat story for second time>

So, you’re telling me that you had an account set up without your knowledge?

Somethin sounds fishy here…

Yes, I mean no…I mean, I ordered the line but I was told the order was never completed so I placed a second order. I did not authorize TWO new lines of service and I need one canceled. Also, I would like to keep the nicer phone.

Shoot me now

OK. Can I have the tax ID number for security purposes please.

She won’t know it…

<leans over to hubby sitting next to me> “Reed, what’s the tax ID number?”

I hope he can find it quickly

Um, who were you just talking to?

I knew it!! She’s lying!

My husband, why?

What’s with her?

What is his name?

I KNOW she said Reed!

It’s Reed.

Does she know him?

Reed what?

This lady is SO busted!

Reed Frank. I have the ID number now if you are ready for it.

Stop wasting my time lady!

Please hold. <dialing, ringing, and more hold music)

What the heck???

Fraud department. Can I have your account number please?

Yes! Another bust! Good thing I work on commission!

Fraud department?? What the heck? <tells story for 3^rd time today!>

This doesn’t sound like a fraud issue.

Dang it.

No! It’s a brainless issue! Have ALL your employees had lobotomies?

Seriously. Shoot me!

I’m sorry mam. The lady that transferred you said you were speaking to someone named Reed and he is listed on the account as the account holder. She thought you were attempting to steal a phone and claim you did not authorize the order. Let me transfer you to someone who can help you. I only deal with fraud issues.

AT&T, how can I help you.

I recognize this number.

You are kidding me. <tells the story for the 4^th time>

Is this a business account?

I don’t know nuttin about business accounts.

PLEASE don’t tell me they didn’t send me to the business account department!!!!!

Ya know. I almost don’t even care anymore.

No, mam. I only deal with regular accounts.

I spend the next 10 minutes telling the story again…meanwhile Joe (Reed’s boss) gets wind of my conversations with AT&T…he calls the billing department…and within 5 minutes has the whole things worked out.